Simon Bridges only able to separate Collins from infrastructure portfolio with human sacrifice to Baal

PICTURED: Judith Collins and her chief benefactor (inset)

PICTURED: Judith Collins and her chief benefactor (inset)

When Simon Bridges resolved to wrestle the infrastructure portfolio from perennial rival Judith Collins this week, he had to utilize a mechanism not usually exercised in the halls of Parliament.

Removing a portfolio from Collins has historically been seen as more trouble than it’s worth. When the fourth ranked National MP received the portfolio, she tied her life force to it with the aid of Baal, one of the seven princes of hell.

Tying a portfolio to one’s own life force with the aid of powerful demons is against the party rules in other registered political parties, with the exception of New Zealand First, where the caucus considers it on a “case by case” basis.

But National has never been able to agree on banning the practice, with some members fearing the loss of a valuable option.

The result is a series of portfolios controlled by Judith Collins that can only be separated from her by ritualistic human sacrifice. But today, leader Simon Bridges resolved to take the measure during a reshuffle triggered by the departure of Amy Adams.

“No,” he said, when asked if he was worried by the implications of his decision. “Obviously I’m very saddened that it’s had to come to this, but, there are certain mechanisms available to us to move portfolios, and in this case, this was the only mechanism available.”

Bridges was not present in The Chamber, where the sacrifice was carried out at 1pm today.

Other MPs also declined to witness the grisly spectacle, with the exception of Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters, who was seen leaving the House grinning, laughing and cracking jokes with advisers.

Collins said she didn’t take the removal of her portfolio personally, as there “wasn’t much in it” and the “darkness that seeds the fears of men has seen the harvest and gorged itself on the blackened fruits of its labour.”

In addition to Adams, another National MP, Wairarapa’s Alastair Scott, also announced his departure today, saying the “private sector” was calling. Friends and family say they haven’t seen him since this afternoon.