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Six weird animals that have nothing to do with the election

Get a load of these things! Some of these animals are just crazy. You wouldn’t want a single one of these animals anywhere near your kids. It could ruin them for life. Last thing you’d want is your kid growing up around any of these, and thinking that’s what animals are like, because they aren’t. They aren’t like this.

The even stranger thing about these animals is that none of them have anything to do with the election.

Let’s take a look.

8152835443_1bceeb0327_bThe Pangolin

This is a mighty weird animal, and tell your friends, because this is the only animal in the world that has a keratin outer shell like this, or at least it is now that Joan Rivers has died.

The one thing you need to know about pangolins is that thing we already told you, but they’re also a nocturnal animal that lives in trees or burrows, and they eat mainly tiny insects. This will work pretty well so long as insects sleep during the night, but if they figure out to sleep during the day, this is going to become way less effective, and the pangolin will have to learn to get up in the morning like the rest of us.

When the pangolin is in danger, it can curl into a ball and protect itself with its scales. Unfortunately, poachers have realised they can just pick it up and put it in their truck, something lions and other predators mostly haven’t worked out yet. As a result, this species is highly endangered, but careful now, we don’t want to get into politics today.

 

Narwhal_RLNarwhal

This is one of those animals that definitely didn’t exist when most of us were younger. It simply can’t have. Nobody would’ve made up unicorns on land when they literally already exist in the sea.

So where this animal came from, nobody knows, but it is a real life sea unicorn.

But the truth is, it’s less cool than it looks. You might imagine that tusk is for impaling sharks and other huge prey like a badass, but actually it isn’t, and the narwhal eats mainly smaller fish. This is tremendously disappointing.

It gets even worse when you learn that the tusk is actually just a tooth that is highly sensitive and has protruded in an extreme manner beyond the mouth of the narwhal. In short, the narwhal’s tusk is actually a major dental emergency; truly a horrifying twist on a magical looking creature.

One cool thing about the narwhal, though, is that male narwhals will rub their protrusions together, feeling the texture of each other’s lengths to communicate with one another about what kind of environments they’ve traveled through; an extraordinary behaviour identical to that of human males.

 

red-lip-batfish_smallRed-lipped batfish

What the fuck is this? Who thought of this?

This is like if a bat got stuck in a teleporter with a flounder and something just went horribly wrong, and now it’s no longer a functional flounder or a functional bat.

This bat looks like it wants to drown but can’t.

Apparently the thing can’t even swim!

We don’t need this. Whatever ecosystem this is a part of, that’s not necessary. That’s cruel.

 

Clown_fish_in_the_Andaman_Coral_ReefClownfish

Clownfish aren’t just pretty fish that go missing, they’re actually much weirder than you think.

Clownfish are largely dependent on sea anemones, whose undigested food they consume for nutrients. As a thank you to the anemone for allowing it to eat its vomit, the clownfish will then shit in the sea anemone’s mouth to provide it with nutrients.

This is, as far as we’re aware, not a normal relationship.

But clownfish aren’t just kinky, they’re also way more progressive than us, and are able to change their sex even without the approval of a doctor.

The largest female is at the top of the clownfish hierarchy, and when she dies, the most dominant male literally turns into a female. Congratulations, humans; even this dumb fish is more socially advanced than we are.

 

Gary McCormick 2016Gary McCormick

Back here in New Zealand, one of the strangest animals to be found is a rare species of raconteur known as Gary McCormick.

McCormick was once abundant in New Zealand, but the presence of this species has declined rapidly, and some even believe it may already be extinct, and we just haven’t confirmed it yet.

But McCormick sightings are not entirely rare in the South Island, and sounds of the creature can be occasionally heard if one listens very intently to talk radio.

McCormick is also known to hibernate for long periods of time, so he may just not be in season at the moment. His ban from the Koru Lounge may also have made him more elusive.

 

1280px-20180703_kiwi-sonya9_959_DxOKiwi

Finally, the kiwi. Sure, you may be familiar with it. Sure, maybe it’s not that weird to you.

Indeed, there are shit animals out there, lots of them. That’s why this isn’t six shit animals that have nothing to do with the election, because there’s far too many to cover.

But what makes the kiwi weird isn’t that it’s a totally useless bird, but rather that we’ve centred our national identity around a totally useless bird. When we see ourselves, we see an animal with no arms, horrible eyesight, bumbling around in the dark vulnerable to just about anything and everything, and can’t even do the one thing it’s supposed to: fly.