Last updated: 5:01pm Friday 21 June.
5:01pm – Christchurch: I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss, and, in their struggles to be truly free, in their triumphs and defeats, through long years to come, I see the evil of this time and of the previous time of which this is the natural birth, gradually making expiation for itself and wearing out.
But no snow.
4:25pm – Auckland: MetService evacuates all staff from South Island as Dunedin and Christchurch residents grow angry in their disappointment.
4:09pm – Tauranga: City wakes up again, turns on television. “Is something happening?” one bewildered resident struggles to ask. “No,” his nurse tells him. City goes back to sleep.
3:07pm – Dunedin: Man who had thousands of “I survived the 2013 snowstorm” t-shirts printed beginning to feel like a bit of a dick.
3:03pm – Wellington: Airport has reopened and operating normally, once more allowing passengers to experience the sheer terror of flying into Wellington.
2:34pm – Christchurch: No snow. Some assorted sludge, mixed with the salty tears of Cantabrians who know the city came so, so close…
1.33pm – Wellington: Many people planning move to Christchurch, which apparently Mother Nature has decided has had enough and to which she will never return.
12:36pm – Wellington: Civil Defence releases helpful snow identification chart.
11:24am – Dunedin: Definitely not snowing.
10:56am – Queenstown: Snowing. Disproportionate number of snowmen named Jon.
10:55am – Dunedin: Unconfirmed rumours of light snow. May just be cocaine.
10:37am – Christchurch: Stopped snowing. Residents confused. Should they have purchased bread or not? When do they start eating it?
10:30am – Auckland: Dreaded winter storm brings sun, blue skies.
9:41am – Christchurch: All snow watch operators unavailable as they were too busy being smartasses about bread to remember to buy any.
9:24am – Ranfurly: Ranfurly snow watch officer snowed in; unable to confirm snow.
9:16am – Christchurch: Scientists rushing samples to lab to confirm that white substance is indeed snow. Results expected in 6-8 weeks.
9:07am – Dunedin: Residents pool their bread and package it up to send to Christchurch, where it now might be of more use.
8:41am – Christchurch: Snow. Everyone rushes to close everything.
8:31am – Auckland: “Icy gales” forecast. Could turn to “Auckland snow”, which is hail.
8:02am – Wellington: Everything is damaged. Why is the rest of the country excited about this?
Thursday 20 June
11:08pm – Christchurch: No snow.
10:15pm – Whanganui: Not even a hint of snow. Starved for attention, residents vote to add several more “h”s to Whahnghanhuhi.
9:49pm – Reefton: Locals surprised to learn area shaken by 4.2 magnitude quake this afternoon, having all been too distracted refreshing metservice.com to notice.
9:34pm – Wellington: Possibly snow, but impossible to tell for sure as wind doing fantastic job of removing all other weather, as well as trees, roofs, animals, small hipsters, Parliamentary toupees.
9:11pm – Christchurch: No snow. Like a lonely sailor’s wife gazing out to sea, Cantabrians stare out windows in vain hope of maybe one day seeing a snowflake again.
7:18pm – Blenheim: Flights into Blenheim cancelled. Not because of snow. Just no reason to go to Blenheim.
6:48pm – Auckland: Goodman Fielder CEO Chris Delaney announces plans for six new bread factories, citing unprecedented sales the company believes will continue now that consumers have gotten into the habit of buying far too much bread.
6:04pm – Christchurch: No snow. Locals mulling “snow pact” for Friday, where everyone just pretends there’s a lot of snow and acts accordingly.
5:33pm – Dunedin: Just dark enough now to imagine it’s snowing.
5:16pm – Christchurch: No snow. From Wellington, Winston Peters suggests the whole thing was conspiracy between MetService and supermarkets.
5:11pm – Auckland: Accumulation of white petals blown about by wind probably best it’s going to get.
4:56pm – Christchurch: Roof lifts off indoor sports centre, converting it to outdoor sports centre and really showing the rebuild team how to get things done fast. (No snow.)
4:44pm – Christchurch: No snow. Miserable population wondering when it will be their turn for a city-stopping force of nature.
4:16pm – Wellington: In response to South Island electricity cuts, Peter Dunne claims: “I gave up my power in solidarity with those South Islanders who have had to give up their power.”
3:54pm – Scott Base: Actually not so bad.
3:38pm – Invercargill: Probably snowing, but nobody has bothered to check.
3:20pm – Hamilton: Hamilton cancelled for the remainder of 2013.
3:04pm – Christchurch: Snowing in an alternate universe where Alison Holst rules with an iron fist and an army of ducks.
2:43pm – Central North Island: Snow reported, providing evidence of second Snow Monster attacking the country. Taupo residents readying sacrifices.
2:22pm – Mt. Hutt: Ski field says rest of country can step off its territory, thank you very much.
2:17pm – Christchurch: Mayor Bob Parker reassures residents that he has his parka on standby.
1:48pm – Wellington: Prime Minister John Key dismisses Shearer’s comments, saying that the country has never been colder and bleaker than under this government.
1:03pm – Wellington: David Shearer questions whether government has delivered sufficient snow; points to angry Christchurch residents.
12:51pm – Christchurch: Forecast is for “just sleet”. Sleet reportedly embarrassed, self-conscious; doing the best it can, it’s not its fault it’s not snow.
12:41pm – Tauranga: City wakes up, turns on television, sees snow, grows bewildered, has a nice cup of tea, goes back to bed.
12:28pm – Inland Canterbury: Civil Defence forgotten where they left several small towns.
12:24pm – Dunedin: No snow. Residents questioning why they bother living there.
12:12pm – Ashburton: Snow disappearing; police launch investigation.
12:08pm – Geraldine: Negotiating snow export opportunities with Fonterra.
11:47am – Naseby: Cut off by large amounts of snow; residents announce plans to secede from New Zealand and declare the dawn of the Naseby Empire. “All will cower before us, probably,” says spokesperson.
11:35am – Fairlie: Snow. Panicked at lack of new photo opportunities, television reporter takes to dumping snow over a lonely cow.
11:33am – Auckland: Tip Top announces new “Polar Blast” ice cream. Exciting packaging, sour and disappointing aftertaste.
11:26am – Christchurch: No snow. Residents picketing MetService offices, demanding they surrender the snow.
10:43am – Lawrence: Lawrence residents chuffed to be deemed “hardest hit” by TVNZ; greatest day in town history since pub chef cracked a triple-yolk egg.
10:06am – Christchurch: No snow.
9:28am – Wellington: Human Rights Commission urging kiwis to build “snowpeople, not snowmen”
8:23am – Dunedin: Everyone awake, but little difference to 3:07am.
7:54am – Darfield: Snow. Rest of country delighted to learn we have a Darfield.
7:02am – Christchurch: No snow. Geonet registers minor tremor as city collectively slams curtains shut with a disgusted “Fuck, now I have to go to work”.
6:48am – Fiordland: Homer Tunnel closed. Closure mistakenly attributed to weather; actually due to copyright claim by The Simpsons producers.
3:07am – Dunedin: Everyone asleep.
Wednesday 19 June
11:21pm – Gore: Still there.
11:08pm – Southland: Snowing. MetService reports risk of “stressed livestock” due to weather; television psychologist Nigel Latta dispatched to provide counselling services.
10:55pm – Hanmer: Snow turned away after hospitality staff fail to recognise who it is.
10:53pm – Lumsden: Police rescue all 20 stranded drivers near Jollies Pass; delayed due to arguments over which of the rescuers got to be Batman and which got to be Robin.
10:47pm – Milton: Snow, and locals really just pretty stoked that something’s happening.
10:36pm – Christchurch: Snow. [10:38pm: CORRECTION – Update should have read “No snow.”]
10:28pm – Wellington: Snow remains absent, but baristas gearing up to serve godawful snow-inspired coffee cocktails nonetheless.
10:11pm – Christchurch: No snow. Locals beginning to sheepishly ponder what they’re going to do with all those unnecessary cans of Watties “Big Eat™”.
9:58pm – Palmerston North: Locals resorting to cannibalism, despite no actual threat of snow.
9:36pm – Wellington: Judith Collins promising tougher penalties for being snow.
9:31pm- Christchurch: Snow making little progress, but residents making steady progress on emergency wine supplies.
8:16pm – Lumsden: Snow. Snow! SNOW! All highways in and out of town detonated; inhabitants left to fend for themselves.
8:08pm – Auckland: Cocaine dealers reporting a roaring trade as Aucklanders try to get in on the “snow” action.
8:06pm- Christchurch: No snow.
7:52pm – Timaru: Posse rounded up to hunt down and kill any snowflake that enters the town’s borders.
7:34pm- Christchurch: No snow.
7:25pm – Hamilton: Too dark to see anything.
7:05pm – Queenstown: Snow falling; rest of country’s resentment grows at Queenstown always getting neat stuff.
6:48pm – Bluff: Residents reporting “teeny snow showers” in blatant attempt to make Bluff relevant.
6:32pm – Dunedin: No snow. Riot breaks out in New World after misunderstanding about packet of Cadbury Snowballs.
5:49pm – Auckland: Noted individual Ken Ring confirms that weather is occurring and will continue to do so.
5:30pm- Christchurch: Responding to reports heavy snow is unlikely below 300m, residents commence efforts to raise city’s elevation to 301m.
4.59pm – Gore: Confirmation of snow settling in hills near Gore, marking first time anything has settled there in decades.
4:20pm- Christchurch: Dewdrops hanging from trees able to be construed as snow if you squint.
4:17pm – Wellington: Disappointment as reports that Beehive “covered in white” just reflective of racial power imbalance.
4:15pm – Auckland: Some light snow showers reported in Auckland circa 1939.
4:13pm – Wellington: City council cordons off Bucket Fountain, expecting that it will become too cold to swim in.
4:02pm – Gore: Sources report that time in Gore is currently 4:02pm.
4:01pm – Dunedin: Earlier reports of snow on city outskirts downgraded to “sleet with ambition.”
3:52pm – Gore: MetService reporting snow in Gore, though no confirmation as no lines of communication between Gore and outside world.
3:50pm – Wellington: Reported mound of snow turns out to be Peter Dunne’s hair.
3:41pm – Dunedin: Workers dumping freezer frost on streets in hopes of getting day off tomorrow.
3:37pm- Christchurch: Just rain at the moment. Though kind of looks like snow against white surfaces.
3:34pm- Christchurch: Council workers report large influx of igloo building consents.
2:30pm – Dunedin: Snow reported on outskirts of city, says woman at supermarket.