Spying justified because Nauru is ‘serious threat to New Zealand’, says Prime Minister

 Nauru’s national police force, featuring the much-feared Cadet Raynor Tom, is of great concern to those entrusted with New Zealand’s national security.

Nauru’s national police force, featuring the much-feared Cadet Raynor Tom, is of great concern to those entrusted with New Zealand’s national security.

Prime Minister John Key this afternoon conceded that New Zealand’s Government Communications Security Bureau (GCSB) may, in fact, be spying on the tiny island nation of Nauru, but said that such action would be “entirely justified”, as Nauru poses a “serious” and “existential threat” to New Zealand.

“Look, at the end of the day, I think most New Zealanders would understand, it’s very easy for people like [leader of the opposition] Andrew Little to throw stones from afar, and criticise this kind of thing,” he said. “But when you get thrust into my position, if you like, you realise that there are certain things, certain facts that you become aware of, that leave you with very little choice.”

It is unclear when New Zealand’s surveillance on Nauru’s single telephone began, but documents obtained by NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden suggest it has been “significantly ramped up” since 2009.

Key said that it was “very easy” for most people to underestimate the threat from Nauru’s population of a mere 9,300, tiny economy, insolvent national bank, small-scale phosphate mining, economic reliance on Australia, 21 square kilometre total land area, 97% obesity rate, kidney and heart disease epidemics, and fully functional runway that takes up the entire length of one side of the island.

He said Nauru possessed a military that was ‘highly unpredictable’, in that there was no evidence that it currently exists.

“I think that’s one thing that, in our work, we’ve found to be very suspicious,” said Key. “Frankly, when you look at most nations, you can say ‘okay, we’re not 100% sure about this or that, but we know their general capability, their numbers, that kind of thing, et cetera.’

“When you look at Nauru, you find nothing, and you have to ask: ‘what are they hiding?’”

While there is no known information about Nauru’s enigmatic military, it does have an armed police force, bolstered by legendary young cadet Raynor Tom, who possesses the island’s only printed nametag.

Key also pointed to the fact that the current leader of Nauru’s parliament, Ludwig Scotty, was previously ousted from the presidency in a vote of no confidence in 2007.

“So from that, I think, you can get the sense that there’s, if you like, a certain degree of political turmoil going on here,” he explained. “Countries with fractured politics like that, you just don’t know. They could do anything, really.”

Despite its size, Nauru’s national airline has a fleet of five aircraft, which Key noted was “one more than was involved in 9/11.”

Neither Ludwig Scotty or President Baron Waqa were available to comment on this story, as phone calls to Nauru are really quite expensive, to be honest.