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Stewart Island to be renamed Harry Styles as a result of online poll

Stewart Island will be only the 17th island to be renamed after One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles.

Stewart Island will be only the 17th island to be renamed after One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles.

New Zealand’s third largest island is to be renamed after noted One Direction participant Harry Styles, thanks to an online poll.

The poll, commissioned by Land Information New Zealand, was established to coincide with the recent official naming of the country’s two largest land masses – North Island/Te Ika-a-Maui and South Island/Te Waipounamu – and sought suggestions from the public for a similar name for Stewart Island.

But rather than affirm the name Stewart or provide a new Maori name, tens of thousands of voters instead chose to honour the island with Styles’ name.

“Oh my gosh,” wrote one voter, representative of the prevailing theme of submissions. “I don’t even. He’s so. Oh my gosh.”

President of the New Zealand Harry Styles Appreciation Society Jeremy Mitchell said the name was an appropriate reflection of Styles’ contributions to the world.

“Mr Styles has proven to be a journeyman performer,” he explained. “But now he’s transcended the bounds of mere entertainment, and provided the world an authentic beacon of hope to which we can all aspire. In his 19 short years, Harry has achieved the kind of greatness that comes along only once in an epoch, and to have his name grace one of our fair islands is not so much an honour for him as it is an honour for all of us who dwell in these lands, or for anyone whose eyes alight to its name on a globe or map.

“Truly, we live in a special time.”

Land Information Minister Maurice Williamson said he was unfamiliar with Styles, but he was assured the name would resonate in the all-important tourism demographic of ages 8-16.

“Tourism statistics show very few 12-year old girls have made the decision to travel to New Zealand, and we think this will send the world a strong message that we want those 12-year old girls,” he said.

Williamson was later asked to clarify his statement “We want those 12-year-old girls.”

Taranaki man Bruce Floorton, who last week described the Maori naming of North and South as “PC namby-pamby gutless claptrap gone mad like a leftie supermarket trolley with a wobbly wheel running amok all over the show,” said he was more content with this decision.

“Harry’s a good, strong bloke’s name,” he remarked.

Floorton confessed, however, that he was unfamiliar with One Direction’s music.

“I bought a record by The Eagles when I was a lad, and between that and Radio Live I see no need to listen to anything else.”

The vote follows a similar move by a Te Kuiti hair salon, which recently changed its name from A Cutz Above to Hairy Styles.

Styles, who was in the country over the weekend, was unavailable for comment, as he was sequestered deep inside the band’s hotel, living in perpetual fear of being eviscerated by the hormonally-charged pubescent horde waiting outside.

Runners-up in the poll included “Scarfies OTP”, “Batman”, and “fuck”.