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Talented rising star finally presented with career-ending noose she always wanted

The rope used to tie Jacinda Ardern to the political career of Andrew Little is reportedly “incredibly thick”, and if she begins to have second thoughts, conventional tools like scissors and garden shears “simply won’t work.”

The rope used to tie Jacinda Ardern to the political career of Andrew Little is reportedly “incredibly thick”, and if she begins to have second thoughts, conventional tools like scissors and garden shears “simply won’t work.”

A young and talented rising star of the Labour Party has finally achieved her dreams today, being formally presented with the thankless burden of an institutional noose that will gradually tighten and surely end her career permanently.

Jacinda Ardern was officially handed the noose by Labour leader Andrew Little earlier today, after long-time noose-wearer Annette King decided to finally call it quits.

King has worn the noose for a total of six years since 2008, and has ruled out ever doing so again, saying she will retire from politics entirely at the election, due to troubles with a “sore neck.”

At a press conference this afternoon, Little – whose own neck is attached to the other end of the noose – did the honours of tying it around Jacinda Ardern’s throat, before praising her as a “vital injection of energy” into “this cruel career death pact.”

“This will do nicely,” he said, securing the knot, as Ardern appeared emotionally overcome by the moment.

“It is such an honour,” she told reporters, as the leadership duo now stood separated only by three metres of rope. “But more than that, I take this very seriously. I believe I’m up to the job, and ready to tie myself to Andrew in ways that can only benefit him.”

Little echoed that sentiment, saying he was “thrilled” to have Ardern aboard, and couldn’t wait to drag her down to his level in ways she could never recover from.

“This is a partnership,” he said. “It’s not about me. It’s not about Jacinda. If I go down in a political ball of flames, so will she.”

Annette King is tonight denying rumours that the rope was forcibly removed from her neck, saying the decision was hers, and she “just got sick of sleeping on the floor next to Andrew’s bed.”

Prime Minister Bill English sought to dismiss Ardern’s inheritance of the noose today, saying she was “untested”, and that he had far more experience, having worn a career-ending noose for a whole 15 years.