United States captures Carmen Sandiego

An emotional journey of nearly 30 years has come to an end for those in the U.S. intelligence community, many of whom have been pursuing Carmen Sandiego for most of their careers.

An emotional journey of nearly 30 years has come to an end for those in the U.S. intelligence community, many of whom have been pursuing Carmen Sandiego for most of their careers.

During a worldwide hunt for National Security Agency whistleblower Edward Snowden, the United States has accidentally stumbled upon the whereabouts of long-sought-after international fugitive Carmen Sandiego.

Sandiego, who has been on the run from authorities for nearly 30 years, is wanted in connection with the theft of a large number of extremely valuable objects, including the Olympic Flame, the Silver Pagoda, and Nairobi International Airport.

Of the many countries who have issued warrants for her arrest, the United States has been the most active in pursuing Sandiego, but until now has been desperately starved for leads. Observers say that the failure of U.S. intelligence officials to locate Sandiego was likely because they did not know enough about geography.

But all of this has changed today after a group of CIA agents discovered Sandiego while sweeping a Moscow hotel room in hopes of finding Edward Snowden. Sandiego has been placed in custody by Russian police, and is awaiting extradition to the United States.

President Barack Obama announced the capture in a live speech that interrupted late night programming across the entire nation.

“Good evening,” said Obama, his demeanour conveying the enormity of the moment as he approached the podium in the West Wing. “Tonight I can report to the American people, and to the world, that the United States has conducted an operation that captured Carmen Sandiego, thief of Gandhi’s glasses and the River Nile.

“Today we are reminded of the strength and resolve of our brave intelligence officials, who work tirelessly and without recognition to achieve results such as the one we have seen today.

“Make no mistake; this triumph for justice will not miraculously heal the wounds of the last thirty years, it will not get back the Liberty Bell or the Willis Tower, nor will it repair the lives of those who have lost at the hands of Sandiego. But it is an important first step in a process of healing that, as Americans, we all must share in.”

The White House is winning praise both from inside the U.S. and around the world this evening, and is fielding nonstop calls from countries curious to know whether their stolen objects have been located as a result of the capture. Obama has promised that Sandiego will be interrogated as soon as possible, and says he is committed to helping as many countries as he can to “get back all their things.”

While the success of the operation has been welcomed, it has also raised questions about why similar progress is not being made in the hunt for stripe-suited eccentric Wally, something the White House says is complicated because “there are just too many people who look like him.”