After two long months of stalemate and fraught negotiations, Congressional Democrats and Republicans came together Friday in a rare moment of bipartisanship to rig every inch of the Capitol Building with deadly explosives.
The move, aimed at incentivising both parties to compromise for the good of the nation, came after an earlier measure – $85 billion in automatic spending cuts known as the sequester – failed to produce consensus.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid invoked the sequester yesterday as he introduced to the Senate a bill mandating that all members of Congress wire the Capitol with timed explosives and remain inside until a debt deal is reached. “The whole idea of the sequester was that it would contain budget cuts so painful and unappealing to all of us, that we would be forced to come together to avoid it” said Reid Thursday. “Well that never happened, so I urge my fellow senators to seriously consider this measure in its stead.”
In a bipartisan vote, the bill passed 80-16 in the Senate, and 385-40 in the House.
“The sequester was obviously never supposed to happen” said House Speaker John Boehner at a press conference this morning. “But some people in this town can never say yes, so at some point, you just have rig your nation’s federal legislative body with intentionally dangerous contraptions and hope for the best. It’s just how Washington works.”
President Obama was quick to throw his support behind the measure. “Until now, Republicans have operated on the philosophy that protecting tax loopholes for millionaires and billionaires is more important than avoiding the painful budget cuts brought about by this sequester” he remarked earlier today. “But this morning I am hopeful that the impending threat of certain death and the spectacular destruction of one of our most treasured national icons will finally help us to find some common ground”.
As of this afternoon, pundits and congressional insiders believed it to be unlikely that a deal would be reached before the 24 hour deadline.