Water Whirler doubles in value after beaning titanic douchemonger

Praise has been ubiquitous for the inanimate carbon rod.

Praise has been ubiquitous for the inanimate carbon rod.

The Wellington man who broke the Len Lye Water Whirler sculpture may be relieved today after a report revealed that his antics on the waterfront art piece have actually doubled its value, an increase largely attributed to the whirler’s violent crowning of its assailant.

A panel of experts assessed the sculpture’s value following the incident, and were immediately struck by how much value it had gained.

“When I first went down to the waterfront, I was completely blown away,” said art evaluator Matilda Rice. “We set up our equipment, took some measurements, and at first we thought there must be something interfering with our readings.”

The sculpture was initially worth $300,000 when constructed, but Rice and her colleagues arrived at a final measurement of $703,002.29.

“Initially, we figured it must be because it was destroyed – when you destroy a piece of art, it immediately doubles in value, we know that’s often the case – but as we began talking to people, we got a fuller picture.”

Rice said the sculpture had become “revered” for the way it dispatched of the complete spoonhead who tried to climb it.

A comprehensive report attributed the new worth of the sculpture to the “brilliant way” in which it “totally nailed that imbecile right square in his big dumb skull.”

Rice cautioned that you could “never be sure” why exactly a piece of art was worth what it was worth, but all indications point to “the absolute clobbering of this total fuckwit.”

None of this has come at any surprise to the wider public, amongst which the whirler has become exceedingly popular after video of it Joyceing the douchebag right in the fucking noggin went viral.

Stan Walker has written a tribute to the whirler, which he is performing under the stage name Stan Whirler, and the sculpture has been offered a role as co-host on +HR=E comedy show Whirler and Ben*.

Despite its new found popularity, the whirler remains unrepaired, and Wellington Mayor, Justin Lester, has sensed an opportunity to pay for its reconstruction by valuing the sculpture even further.

To do this, Lester has attempted to reach out to England street artist Banksy, asking him to please break the sculpture again.

Lester posted his comment on the Instagram page of @bankywellington, who is neither the real Banksy, nor in Wellington.


Neither Banksy or Banky W have responded to the mayor’s plea.

Len Lye was unavailable for comment due to his latest project of having his corpse encased in wood underground for the remainder of time.

*Since the publication of this article, Whirler and Ben has been cancelled.