‘We didn’t want that stupid cup anyway,’ says Dean Barker

New Zealanders have made it clear to Team Oracle that they didn’t win fairly, and even if they did, it wouldn’t matter, because yachting is a dumb sport that “no one likes anyway.”

New Zealanders have made it clear to Team Oracle that they never wanted the America’s Cup anyway, and that Dean Barker and his crew “lost on purpose” because “they realised how dumb it was.”

The victorious crew of Oracle Team USA has been humiliated this morning at a post-match press conference after Emirates Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker told them that he was unfazed by losing the America’s Cup and they “can have it” because “we didn’t want it anyway” and “yacht racing is dumb.”

In a lengthy self-assured rant, Barker interrupted Oracle skipper Jimmy Spithill as he was congratulating Team New Zealand on their valiant effort.

“Pffftt, what?” said Barker, laughing. “Don’t even waste your breath. You think we care, mate? We don’t even care. Look at you guys getting all excited over a boat race. Kind of pathetic, to be honest.”

“You think I look like someone who even gives a shit!?” he yelled, pointing to his worn, tear-drenched face. “I didn’t fucking think so.”

Barker went on to explain that yachting was a “dumb sport” and that the America’s Cup was a “stupid competition” that “isn’t even raced between countries” and is “decided by money.”

He said that Oracle had nothing to be proud of and that he was glad he lost.

Back at home, New Zealanders who had been following the cup seemed to concur with Barker, with viewers watching the competition on the Auckland waterfront saying they never really cared about the sport, and “just came down for a laugh.”

“Oh, we all know it’s a jack-up,” said 48-year-old Kevin Thompson, who had brought his two young boys out to watch the race. “Bunch of millionaires racing yachts. Who seriously cares about that, anyway?”

Others spoken to said that while they didn’t actually care, Emirates Team New Zealand got hard-done-by because of “complete bullshit” like wind requirements and time limits, and Oracle Team USA should have been punished more for not following a series of arbitrary rules.

Asked how Team New Zealand’s response to his victory made him feel, Spithill said it was “disappointing” and “actually sort of ruins it, to be honest.”

“We really didn’t know they felt that way,” he said. “I guess we just look kind of stupid now.”