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What’s in the Budget?

The Civilian takes a look at what you’ll find in this year’s Budget.

The Civilian takes a look at what you’ll find in this year’s Budget.

  • $1.7 billion to buy back Mighty River Power after Tony Ryall began missing it.
  • $1 billion to build roads that go around Hamilton instead of through it.
  • $200 million for construction of single unaffordable house.
  • $125,000 to Christopher Finlayson’s ongoing investigation into who framed Roger Rabbit.
  • $88 for Steven Joyce to receive a visit from Dick Smith’s Clever Dick service.
  • $64 for Bill English to get his printer fixed.
  • $238 to buy Bill English a new printer after that fails.
  • $540 million for Tauranga rebuild.
  • $57 to buy all MPs name tags so that everyone will know who they are.
  • $65,000 to bolster the Government’s strategic reserve of anti-Australian jokes.
  • $500 in legal fees for Colin Craig.
  • $800 million to Gore, just to see what happens.
  • $6 million for an awareness and policing campaign to ensure mixtures only have proper lollies, and not the ones nobody likes, such as black jellybeans and those chalky things.
  • $2 million to buy copies of 2013 Budget for impoverished families.
  • $2.79 to reimburse Shane Ardern for that time he had to run down to the Star Mart when the office was out of toilet paper.
  • $5 million to explore what more the Government could be doing with jigsaw puzzles.
  • $20,000 to send Tony Ryall to Space Camp.
  • $300 for that bubblegum Michael Cullen once promised.
  • $240,000 to see if we can get Sam Neill in some more Hollywood movies.
  • $30,000 for production of Air New Zealand safety video starring Maurice Williamson.
  • $170,000 for undercover double agent speech writer for David Shearer.
  • $20,000 to figure out why a McDonald’s deluxe cheeseburger costs less than a regular one.
  • $236,000 for more cows in schools.
  • $250 million to make the transformers in the national grid look more like the ones in the movie Transformers.
  • $900 million to rename the country “A Yellow Submarine” for one day so that we can all sing “We all live in a yellow submarine.”
  • $50,000 to buy iPredict shares in Labour to win the next election.
  • $3 billion to get rid of rivers, so they stop flooding and getting all polluted.