What’s in the Coronavirus Package?

coronapackagefeatureWith the economy already reeling from a crisis that’s barely begun, the Government today sought to provide reassurance to workers and businesses in the form of a massive phallic pun to insert much-needed cash into the private sector and help fight the looming pandemic.

Here are the key components:

  • $5.1 billion in wage subsidies for anyone who manages not to lose their job.
  • $50 million to one-up Australia – who recreated Covid-19 in a lab – by creating a much better, deadlier virus.
  • $70 million to James Cameron to please just stop delaying the Avatar sequels and not make them.
  • An extra $25 per week for beneficiaries.
  • An additional extra $2 a week for beneficiaries just to really grind Simon Bridges’ gears.
  • A $2 additional tax on beneficiaries because actually we don’t have that money, you’ll have to pay it back.
  • A massive tax on Pascal for making Snifters Lumps and not the proper ones.
  • $12 million for one teleconferencing system that actually works (to be shared by the whole country).
  • $3 million in hand sanitizer contrails.
  • $20 million to update anyone still infected with Covid-18.
  • $1 million to see if the Chatham Islands are still there, just in case we need them.
  • $870,000 in income protection for the most at-risk New Zealand First MPs.
  • One giant bar of soap for the whole country to share.
  • A virus sniffing dog after the last five virus sniffing dogs died of the virus.
  • One-off, lump sum payment of $63 million to Australia to send us Tom Hanks, who we promise to take very good care of.
  • A team of researchers to travel to North Korea to see if they can learn how the regime was able to prevent any cases of the disease.
  • A tremendous number of pans after some confusion about what a pandemic is.