What’s in the Pakeha Party platform?

The Civilian takes a look at the policies of the Pakeha Party.

The Civilian takes a look at the policies of the Pakeha Party.

  • Send them home. Not sure who “them” are, but send them home.
  • Reduce funding of schools in predominantly white areas to match levels of funding in poorer, Maori areas.
  • Make Christchurch the capital of New Zealand.
  • Replace confusing Maori names with their white equivalents. Whangarei to become Wongaray. Kaikoura to become Cackaracka.
  • Stop sending aid to Maori in Palestine.
  • Install Michael Laws as mayor of as many councils as he can logistically manage.
  • Reconsider above policy after discovery that the number of councils that Michael Laws can logistically manage is 0.
  • More tanning beds.
  • Haka to be performed in English and only by Chesdale Cheese ambassadors Ches and Dale.
  • All Blacks to be renamed Mostly Whites.
  • English must be taught in schools.
  • Aoraki Mount Cook to be renamed Mount Cook Mount Cook.
  • Prosecute Maori for extinction of Moa.
  • Further protect Wanganui from Maorification by removing the obviously Maori part of the name “ui”, leaving the town to be known henceforth as Wangan.
  • Encourage Maori to forcibly colonise London to help reduce guilt.
  • Maori must stop dominating unemployment and prison statistics and give Pakeha a fair go.
  • Every powhiri must be accompanied by Ray Columbus performance of equal or greater duration.
  • Tangy Fruits for all New Zealanders.
  • The Wahine Disaster to henceforth be known as “The Boat Disaster”.
  • Pakeha Television, broadcasting nothing but Friends.
  • If Maori have Te Karere and Waka Huia, then Pakeha deserve a daily half hour of news and a weekly half hour of whatever Waka Huia is.
  • Maori must stop hoarding all the rhythm.
  • Public education campaign to repair the damage done to white bread’s nutritional reputation.
  • At least two Maori friends for every Pakeha.
  • Rename Te Papa “The Dad”.
  • A Pakeha Prime Minister, bringing an end to the long line of Prime Ministers who just happened to be Pakeha.