All the news that’s fit on a page. Now in the present day!
New Zealanders were greeted this morning with an emergency mobile alert from the sitting coalition government, thanking them profusely for taking the time to participate in the triennial democracy survey.
Last night, the people of New Zealand spoke, and while we don’t have all the results yet due to the catastrophic freak fires at seventeen different polling places – and the unfortunate incident in which Stuff’s Patrick Gower became so hungry for politics he ate an entire box of marked ballots – it remains undeniable…
An unmitigated catastrophe is unfolding at Parliament tonight as election results have produced an enormous overhang for both sides of the political aisle, with the resulting additional seats overflowing the debating chamber and causing significant structural damage to the building.
Once more, we're back where we were three years ago, and three years before that, and possibly three years before that but we can't quite remember if we were covering it.
The bees have escaped the Beehive. Which will you put back in?
General coverage of the 2026 general election.
National rolled Luxon this morning and replaced him with a sandwich press, but due to electoral law we couldn’t report it until now
Nation reconsidering whether we should have Laws at all
Luxon somehow loses US midterm elections
Tensions flare as Labour seeks to win back Green votes by backing rival gang
Opinion: I don’t know how to be any more clear. No, really, I don’t. Please help
Green Party promises to nationalise the Kiwibank sheep“The popular new game has proved dangerous to children all over the globe, entrapping them with the use of fun and a distraction from the increasingly undeniable pointlessness of existence.”
Potential trouble has reared its head for the Opportunity party (O) today, after its deputy leader expressed a preference for National over Labour, an unforced error that could compromise its alleged neutrality.
Before you jump down my throat, nobody cares about the environment more than me.
I am every bit as angry as you are.
Yesterday morning, I waltzed into work, and as I walked past the drones aggressively typing out news on the computers I’ve repeatedly asked to be moved further away from, I caught a glimpse of the words “climate change”, and noticed that suspiciously they weren’t in condescending quotation marks.
I was recently speaking with my pet pig, Angelica, about the wonders of science, and all the marvellous things it allows us to do with its zip-zappys and wing-wangeries.
