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Michael Phelps announces he has collected enough gold medals to activate the doomsday device

Michael Phelps discusses his retirement – and his decision to bring about the deaths of billions – with NBC’s Matt Lauer.

Michael Phelps discusses his retirement – and his decision to bring about the deaths of billions – with NBC’s Matt Lauer.

Michael Phelps, competitive swimmer and the most decorated Olympian in history, has announced his retirement today after winning a record total of 23 gold medals, five of them at this year’s Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro.

Phelps announced his retirement in an interview with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, also revealing that he had collected the necessary number of gold medals to activate the doomsday device and summon the Olympic Gods to bring about the end of all things.

“Done, done, and done – and this time I mean it,” said Phelps, promising that his retirement would be final, unlike his premature retirement following the 2012 Olympic games in London. “I wanted to come back and finish my career how I wanted and this was the cherry on top of the cake.”

“I’m sorry, what specifically was the cherry?” asked Lauer.

“To set in motion the end of all things, to summon the Gods of Olympus, and bring this world to heel,” he clarified.

Phelps explained that the necessary number of Olympic gold medals needed to be present in one place and under one name in order to fulfil the ancient Greek prophecy that would end the world, was exactly 23, and he had retired in 2012 after feeling as though he would never collect that many.

“Honestly, it seemed entirely out of reach,” he said. “After London, I just kind of gave up, I guess. But the voices kept calling me, and I had to go back, and here I am. Here we are.”

Phelps explained that he would assemble the medals upon returning home, and that there was nothing Lauer – or anybody else – could do to stop him.

“Oh no, no, no, it’s far too late for that, Matt. This has to happen.”

“Are there some who will be spared?” asked Lauer. “Could you at least spare me?”

“Not at all,” he replied.

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has issued a statement saying they’re “very disappointed” in Phelps for using his gold medals to end the world, but that it would be a “small mark” on an “otherwise successful Olympics.”

International media outlet The Guardian has ranked the Olympian’s decision to bring about judgement day only third on its list of worst things to happen at this year’s games.

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