Rio Olympic Schedule – August 21st

The Civilian brings you a schedule of each day’s highlight events from this year’s Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro

August 21st

4:20am: 200m run out of ideas.


August 20th

1:35am: First to the top of the giant Jesus.

2:40am: The 50m tall tale

3:40am: Condom balloon animals

6:20am: The ‘spelling the dejeenero bit’ spelling bee

7:00am: Best drink made out of only two limes, a tangelo, a pine cone, and bodily fluids.


August 19th

2:10am: Racing with the handbrake on

2:30am: 200m sprint control group

4:00am: Bomb diffusal finals [cancelled due to lack of surviving athletes]

7:25am: Watch Shakur Stevenson lose to Vladimir Nikitin in boxing semi-finals

8:00am: Men’s 400m emotional hurdles


August 18th

All events cancelled due to strange atmospheric conditions but everything is definitely fine.


August 17th

4:00am: Pretending you’re smoking while it’s really cold

5:30am: Wine tasting finals

7:40am: Sticking paper together with a Bic glue stick

9:00am: Distinguishing Jimmy Fallon’s fake laughter from his genuine laughter

11:20am: Men’s football injury faking semi-finals


August 16th

1:30am: Dinner table etiquette

5:30am: Olympic snakes and ladders course built out of actual snakes and actual ladders

6:00am: Men’s 200m butterfly

7:00am: Men who aren’t Michael Phelps’ 200m butterfly

8:15am: Maintaining eye contact with man with enormous tumour


August 15th

All events cancelled due to massive orgy in Olympic village


August 14th

12:45am: Hurdles while all coked up like Scarface or some shit

3:30am: Last opportunity for athletes to trade in five bronze medals for one silver, or five silver medals for one gold

5:15am: National anthem mouthing finals [medal goes to athlete who can most quietly mouth their national anthem while still technically singing it]

7:00am: Men’s and women’s tennis octuples

8:25am: “That’s what she said” competition


August 13th

All events cancelled due to acid rain


August 12th

12:30am: Trust fall over spikes

2:15am: Scheduling conflict will see athletes compete in pole-vaulting event on bicycles

4:15am: Casual racism competition

10:40am: That one trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb off quarter-finals


August 11th

1:20am: Women’s 5km Pokemon Go egg-hatching race

2:00am: Bullshitting your way out of a parking ticket quarter-finals

5:00am: Postmodern obstacle course where the only obstacle is you

6:10am: Minute’s silence and tribute event for Harambe


August 10th

1:50am: Quadruple entendre finals

3:30am: Minute’s silence and commemoration of horrific events that took place at Estadio Mineirao on July 8th, 2014

6:40am: Women’s 100m backstroke with cement shoes

9:00am: Men’s auto-fellatio semi-finals


August 9th

12:00am: Switching between hundreds of tabs without accidentally closing any

1:00am: Drunk driving

2:20am: Olympic lolly scramble

3:40am: Men’s 500m dine n’ dash

4:05am: Ages 80+ synchronised dying

5:30am: 20km sprint

6:00am: Pizza delivery to Olympic officials

7:40am: Bottle flip challenge

8:20am: Understanding what happened in The Matrix Revolutions

9:30am: Women’s Acrobatic Fencing and Christopher Walker Impression Doubles

10:00am: Holding a scalding hot cup of tea

2:10pm: The Great Rio Rubbish Pickup

11:30pm: Rowing demolition derby

In addition to the above schedule, every two hours, TVNZ’s Peter Williams will update New Zealand’s medal tally live from his bed.